I was set up for failure.
I feel like the beginning of my life I was set up for being fat and a failure. I remember being 4 years old and my mom said to me, April you are fat. I’m telling you this so you are not surprised when you go to school and people make fun of you for being fat.
I was 4 years old, I had no idea what she even meant at the time, but once I went to school it started happening.
Fatty fatty 2×4 can’t fit through the kitchen door.
I would go to school knowing I was different and from what my mom said to me, I thought different was bad.
Me when I was 7
I was called a lot of names throughout elementary school, and when I had to get glasses it was worse, I was fat and had glasses.
Middle School was hell.
The bullying was the worst in middle school. Prepubescent boys are very cruel. Being made fun of didn’t truly hurt me till I was in middle school.
Me when I was 13
When boys in your class draw a picture of a beached whale on the chalkboard and put your name by it, you have to pretend like it’s funny and it doesn’t bother you. Yet when you go home at the end of the day and you hide in your room, lock your door and cry.
You cry, you take off all your clothes and stare at your body in the mirror. You pinch your fat stomach and suck it in as much as possible. You tape and wrap up your boobs trying to make them look smaller. You internally scream because your butt is too big.
You hear your mom in your head saying, You’re fat and people will make fun of you, but why? Why is that okay, you wonder. You eat dinner and go to bed and you know that the next day will be the same as before.
It happened at home as well.
As I got older, my mom started in on me too. She would say, ” oh look April, your thighs are bigger than mine. You better not eat so much or you will look like Ruth.” (She was my moms best friend who was obese, my mother liked to tell me that if I didn’t stop getting fat I would be like her) (My mother was not small, she was over 300 lbs my whole life, I started to resent her as I got older, but that’s a whole different story)
I grew up fat.
People were cruel to me because of my weight.
My weight isn’t me though.
I have fat, on my body.
Being fat made life hard,
But it does not control my life.
So I will live my life the way I want,
And even though the cruel words stay with me.
They won’t control me.