I wake up every morning and put on a smile, it’s something I’ve been doing for years. I may be smiling, but deep inside I’m struggling with my own inner turmoil.
For many years way back as far as I could remember I have been a perfectionist, fearing failure and disappointment, everything had to be perfect or my family would get angry at me. Looking back I now see that I have had anxiety for a long time. I never did anything right in my families eyes therefore I had to try harder, my best wasn’t good enough so I did everything expected of me and more.
Now that I am older and away from all that stress I was put through, I still can’t shake the dread. I know its different for a lot of people that’s why I am writing this blog to show my experiences and stress I go through everyday with my anxiety.
I want to give a few examples. So lets start with something simple a phone call. Everyone has to make or receive phone calls its part of everyone’s daily lives and then there is me. If I have to make an important call first the fear creeps up on me, I’m afraid to dial, what if I say something wrong or start to studder or forget a simple everyday word. What if the person on the line laughs at me or tells me that I’m stupid?
The tears start to flow and I have no control over my fear of judgment that hasn’t and probably won’t happen and after I dial and hear the ringing my stomach churns and my breathing becomes rapid and then when the person answers I usually turn into someone else. I am overly nice because I want to get the call over as quickly as possible so I don’t have to think about it anymore.
It sucks and that is just the beginning of my problems. My life is made complex by this its not just phone calls, but meeting new people, having visitors over, making dinner for my husband and kids I could go on and on. I think that I will mess up everything. I want to make new friends, I want to have a normal conversation without over thinking and over analyzing everything I say. I want to invite my friends I do have over and not worry and wonder if they are judging me because my floor is covered in toys and possibly some crumbs. I want to make a meal for my family and not breakdown because I think that they will hate what I cooked.
Anxiety is not fun. It doesn’t just come and go its always there and always tormenting me.
I want to end this with one more thing not everyone’s anxiety is the same if you have a friend or family member in your life that is dealing with it just let them know that they are doing fine and instead of teasing them about making a phone call, make it for them, and always let them know how much you love them and that they are doing great.