I Was Told I Wouldn’t Survive On My Own

I was broken.

So broken.

Beaten down.

So low.

That there was no coming back up.

You’re a nobody.

Useless.

Never will amount to anything.

You can’t do anything right.

You will never survive without me.

These were words said to me by my father.

He tried his best to keep me down.

 

At age 22 I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere without permission.

I had to go to donate plasma twice a week and give the measly few dollars to him.

When I couldn’t donate, there would be hell to pay. It would be my fault that my iron was low or my fault that I had a fever.

He loved to tell me that I could never survive without him. Neither him nor my mom taught me how to survive. They never taught me responsibility or how to drive. When I became an adult I was “stuck” with them because, I had no way to get out and get a life.

My dad would say, you need to get a job, so you can give me all the money.

So I didn’t. (It’s not like he would have let me keep it long, because he always complained about not having enough gas in the car)

I had friends, but I had to beg to spend time with them. I wasn’t just allowed to go spend a few hours with my friends, even if it was just at their house or apt.

You will never survive without me, he would say as he pinned me against the wall by my throat.

They made me go to college, because they wanted more money. I got a grant and they made me get a loan as well, $6k from the both, but I barely got to buy my books or a laptop. They took most of it. They told me they took care of me my whole life  and they deserve the money. It was gone within a few months; My $3k grant. Then when it was the next semester came and the loan hadn’t come yet, it was my fault. They yelled and bitched at me everyday, like it was my fault it hadn’t loaded to my card yet, oh excuse me their card; I wasn’t allowed to carry or hold on to my card, because they wanted to make sure I had no access to the money, only gave me what I needed for books.I could go on and on, but I don’t feel the need too anymore, he always told me:

You will never survive without me.

Those word are funny to me now.

I got away from them.

I made decisions on my own.

Together my husband and I bought a house.

My dad still rents.

I went through 2 c-sections (not on my own my husband was there, but still I survived it without my dad)

I survived without him.

I can survive without him.

I can do it.

I did it.

I survived.

 

One thought on “I Was Told I Wouldn’t Survive On My Own

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s