Mother’s Day will be here soon, so it has lots of people thinking about their mom. Thinking about what to get her to show that they appreciate her etc. It’s not really like that for me.
My mother died Sept 7th, 2012. Basically all her organs shut down. (Please do not pity me or tell me that you are sorry as this is not a pity party post) My son was 6 months old and my husband, son and myself were 10 days away from moving into our first home that we bought. With so much going on it was devastating and confusing time.
My father blamed the hospital. When in reality it was his fault for always canceling her doctors appointments or just not taking her. The doctors said she had actually been slowly dying for years. I went through many emotions at this time, shock, sadness, anger and hate.
My relationship with my mother had always been rocky. While she was a stay at home mom she was never really “there.” I don’t remember a time that she ever just sat down and played with my brother and I. She would occasionally vacuum and do laundry, but spent most of her days sitting on the couch or in her bedroom drinking her Coke and watching her soap operas.
As I got older she would have “the talk” with me she told me to not have sex until I was married. She also told me that one day I will bleed from my cooch and all I had to do was to put a pad in my underwear and it would all be good. I was very confused about what she said I was like eh about 7 years old.
She allowed my dad to beat me and allowed him to choke me and pin me against the wall when I “did something wrong” she would also be the one who said that’s enough and he would let me go. In a way I can’t completely blame her, she had brain damage from having scarlet fever as a child, but as I grew up I kept wondering what did I do? Why does everyone hate me? I just felt like I didn’t belong my mother, father and later on my brother made me feel that way.
When I became a teenager my mother decided she finally wanted to be friends with me. She offered me cigarettes to smoke and allowed me to have friends over, but only if they also hung out with her too. She made me feel guilty anytime I went and had fun with my friends. (I’m talking if my friends and I went to the park instead of my house when I came home she would be snarky and say stuff like did you have fun, why didn’t you bring them over are you ashamed of me etc) That guilt weighed on me like a skyscraper.
It got to a point where all my friends loved my mom and she would give them things and be really nice to them and then when they left hit me with the guilt trips and saying I should be more like them. I know that lots of people got put through the guilt trips as teens, but this was extreme.
Any time I was home I had to sit with her in her room at all times I didn’t get a chance to have anytime to myself unless I was sleeping or with my friends.
When I moved in with my husband (before we were married), the guilt trips got worse. “I’ll never see my grandchild,” she would say or “you need to visit.” Eventually before my son was born we moved back because she basically begged me to everyday on the phone.
Everything was okay at first. We were at their place too because that’s what they wanted. My husband had basically retired from his job, so he looked for jobs while we waited for retirement, but we had no vehicle of our own.
I See Your True Colors
After I had my son; that’s when things between my mother and I got really bad. I had to have a c-section (I have heart shaped uterus with a septum and my pelvis was too small to birth him not to mention after 2 days of labor we got to a point where his heart rate started to drop and mine was rising. We were going to die if we didn’t do the c section.
I couldn’t breastfeed because of my inverted nipples no matter how hard I tried he didn’t latch and I was only producing an oz of milk after pumping for 2 hours. He had to move to formula and got a bit colicky so, he cried, a lot. So in turn my mother made snide and down right mean remarks to me. She would say. All 6 of my babies were born natural, what’s wrong with you why can’t you do that too. (I had already told her why, but she felt the need to bring it up a lot)
She would talk about how none of us were formula fed, but the thing that hurt the most was, that she would say “why is he crying so much, your not feeding him enough, you don’t change him enough, you guys never cried like that. Your not as good as me.” My husband got tired of it and said “stop treating her (me) like she’s a bad mother and because he stood up for me, everyone started to attack both of us, my mother, brother and dad.
It was 1am and they kicked us out. We went outside, I was crying, our son was crying and my husband was pissed. They kept yelling at us even when we were outside. We didn’t have anywhere to go, or even a car to live in and after screaming at us and telling us how we all were nothing and had no right to say anything in their house they said we could come back in if we apologized.
This happened a lot when I was younger too I always had to say I was sorry even if I didn’t do anything wrong. I knew from then on once we moved out I wouldn’t want anything to do with her or my family. So for the last couple months we stayed there we were basically their slaves, even though we were adults we did what they said when they demanded it.
When August came around my husband got his retirement first thing he got was a car and a car seat for our son. We started looking for places right away and lived in motels till we found a place.
Aug 24th 2012 we closed on our house that we found and continued to live in motels till we could move in our new place. We did go back there once before she died. The last thing she said to me was “I hate your new glasses they make you look ugly.”
So while almost everyone has great moms that deserve happiness and remembrance (for those who have passed) for me it’s a different day.
For Me Mothers Day Is About My Kids
When Mother’s Day rolls around I think about my kids, they will never ever feel they way I did growing up. They will know that their mom loves them. They won’t have to sit around wondering what they did wrong or wonder if their mom hates them. For me Mother’s Day is knowing that I will never be her. I will be the mom I always wanted instead and while everyone else celebrates their own mothers I will celebrate my children. They have shown me what a mothers love really can be and I am so proud to be a mother to these two amazing kids.