Top 10 Signs He’s an Asshole, Not a Dominant

**With so many questions from new submissives – The Counselor enjoyed this quick article and wanted to pass it along!

(Sourced at the End)

by Kayla Lords

For all the single submissives out there looking for love, I get it.
No really, I do. You yearn to submit to a Dominant, and it seems like
finding the right one is nearly impossible. Many of you will take what
you can get because you don’t think you deserve better. Others don’t
seem to know the difference between genuine affection or interest and
the assholes who are waiting in wings for you.

I often go on
lengthy diatribes about what’s okay and what isn’t between a Dominant
and a submissive. I also frequently go on rants because people are made
to feel that normal, healthy desires or sexual activities
can’t have a place in BDSM. For anyone who doesn’t have the time for
all that, here’s a handy-dandy list of what separates the Dominants from
the assholes so you’ll know one when you find them.

This is directed at male Dominants for two reasons. One, that’s my main
experience, and two, I’ve never heard of Dommes pulling this kind of
crap. If they do, share with me in the comments below so everyone can be

  1. He demands you call him Sir or Master from the moment you meet. You’re a submissive, not his
    submissive. I advocate being respectful until he gives you a reason not
    to be, but anyone who demands a title before it’s earned needs to be
  2. He starts out an introduction with a dick pic. No Dominant is going to send you this without some sort of agreement between the two of you. It’s just not going to happen.
  3. He sends you unsolicited instructions of how to please him or orders to obey. Did you talk about this list? Was there communication and consent? If not, this is just another poser.
  4. He ignores your hard limits.
    Don’t just walk away from this loser, fucking run. Ignoring your
    clearly identified and communicated limits is the sign of an asshole and
    an abuser. A Dominant will push your limits, sure, but not without
    first talking to you – a lot.
  5. He disregards your safe word. Yes, some Dominants out there claim not to play with a safe word. I find that dicey but won’t pass too much judgment. If you use a safe word, though, it should be respected. Ignoring this is just more abuse.
  6. He lies.
    I know some people will say that everyone lies. White lies to save face
    or feelings. Most Dominants I know are honest to a fault. Think about
    it. How can you communicate openly and honestly if you’ll lie about
    things – big or small? John Brownstone doesn’t lie; he simply refrains from speaking until the time is right to tell the truth. I can respect that.
  7. He thinks more about his pleasure than your own.
    Caveat: if you’ve negotiated a relationship where this is acceptable to
    both of you (yes, that’s possible), that’s okay. Not my kink, but okay.
    I’m referring to the jerk who gets off and then ignores you or doesn’t
    listen when you tell him your preferences.
  8. He makes you feel bad about yourself.
    I’m not talking about a humiliation fetish in the middle of a scene or
    even as part of an on-going relationship. I’m talking about the
    soul-sucking, self-esteem shattering bullshit that makes you feel less
    than human and unworthy of love and affection. D/s should build both
    people up, not tear you down.
  9. He separates you from family and friends.
    Okay, let’s be honest here. Some people are just bad for us. They make
    us feel bad and doubt our self worth. I don’t mean those people. I’m
    talking about loving relationships with friends and family. A good
    Dominant wants a happy, healthy submissive – and isolating you from
    people who care about you won’t achieve that. Frankly, it will simply
    show that he’s selfish and, most likely, insecure.
  10. He tells you that you’re not a “real” submissive because you have your own opinions. In a D/s relationship, how you express those opinions will vary based on your consensual, negotiated agreement but you should always
    have your own opinions. The other flavor that goes with this one is
    that you’re not a real submissive because you’re too independent,
    aggressive, or (best of all) not willing to do what you’re told by
    someone you just met who claims to be a Dominant. (Insert big, fat

Assuming you’re online when these things occur
(and it usually does), I also think you can be proactive in dealing with
these men. First of all, you are under no obligation to reply to a
message that includes anything you find offensive. If you tell them to
stop or to leave you alone, you can and should ignore them. You don’t
have to continue following or being “friends” with these people online.
The unfollow, unfriend, and block features are all there for a reason.
Use them. If it crosses over to harassment, you should report them to
whichever site you’re on.

Once you’re in a relationship, you must
remember that you’re free to end it. You are allowed to withdraw your
consent. If he doesn’t listen, he’s no longer acting as a Dominant. Now
he’s an abuser. And he should be treated as such – even if that means
getting the law involved. Your physical, emotional, and mental
well-being truly are that important.

If someone does a couple of
the things on this list, they might (but I doubt it) simply be too new
to understand how D/s really works. I’d give them the benefit of the
doubt, but I’d also move on and not engage with them. Let them learn the
hard way – or end up alone, either way works for me. When you come
across the guy who does most of these things, he’s not a Dominant. He’s
an asshole. Don’t waste your time or breath on him.

You are worth more than that, and you need to remember it and believe it.


Kayla Lords 

Was this post meaningful and helpful? You might enjoy my new website – Loving BDSM
– a community and weekly podcast devoted to helping people find and
enjoy healthier D/s relationships and kinky lives. Check it out at

This. This! THIS!

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